“I once had a team member tell me the quick check-ins mattered way more than formal reviews, which totally flipped my understanding of what being a supportive manager meant. I realized how often I had been performing care in ways that I learned in business school, rather than listening for what actually made a difference to my team.”
This leader’s discovery about the power of supporting colleagues in a more authentic way is exactly the love that grows when we practice romance in the original sense of an authentic gesture, not a dramatic or sexualized one (more here, but in brief, it originally meant ‘in the local language, not Latin’).
This was not the first real life example I’ve seen of what’s possible when we show up in a loving way, even yes, at work. From first-time managers to senior leaders, leaders who practice of subtraction often discover that these ways we think we should show up for our teams aren’t actually very impactful.
I was convinced about the value of more authentic and individual approaches to supporting colleauges, but I wasn’t crazy enough to call it love…
And then, Harvard launched the Love of Neighbor initiative. Which felt like validation of something I’ve believed for a long time: that love — in its original sense of speaking in the local language, not performing a script — belongs in every dimension of our lives.
Let’s subtract performing love, and stop wasting time and energy delivering those inherited shoulds, outdated habits, or predictable, made-for-the-feed poses — and return to love that actually lands.
To be sure that we’re walking the talk of subtraction, doing what matters most, let’s remember exactly why love is relevant to our ongoing conversation about success that feels as good as it looks…
In a word? Because love makes us happy.
More specifically, it is actually the key ingredient for happiness, or even more loftily: human flourishing (says Harvard).
After decades of research, testing wellbeing practices in the same format as new drugs, Sonja Lyubomirsky found: “95% of things that have been shown to be true through happiness interventions are because they make people feel more connected to other people.” (Stay tuned for my fabulous conversation with Lyubomirsky, coming Wednesday!)
Tyler J. VanderWeele, director of The Human Flourishing Program at Harvard, wrote: “the promotion of love within society has tremendous underutilized potential to enhance human flourishing.”
VanderWeele cites the power attributed to love across philosophy, theology, psychology, business, economics, and even management. Based on that array of theory and research, he and colleagues have concluded that “social policy oriented towards promoting love within families, friendships, schools, workplaces, religious communities, medicine, politics and the media could make substantial contributions to advancing societal flourishing.”
A big-hearted, ambitious, impact-seeking citizen might reasonably say, “OK! Let’s love each other more!”
But — and if you have picked up on this Systematic Subtraction thing I’m practicing, maybe you’ll expect this twist — what if it’s actually not about doing love more… But letting go of what we call love as unhelpful performance, and recognizing the love in other efforts, even if they don’t match the textbook examples we think about as love.
What we’re subtracting isn’t love itself — it’s the belief that love works best when it’s rehearsed, formalized, or doled out in a formula.
Lucky for me, Sonja Lyubomirsky crossed my path, with exactly the reframe that this subtraction practice calls for in her brilliant book, How to Feel Loved. Lyubomirsky and her co-author Harry Reis contend that feeling loved is not about you. Or the person loving you (or not, as the case may be).
It’s about the conversations we’re having. Our mindsets in those conversations.
And feeling loved starts with making the other person feel loved, not with the grand gestures that we have been taught demonstrate love.
But by listening. Sharing. Being curious. Keeping our hearts open. And recognizing our universally human multiplicity.
None of these approaches can be performed effectively, even by the most skilled would-be performer.
They only land when they are done in a way that fits the other person’s needs, as well as the nature of our relationship.
So I am not suggesting that we stop doing loving things.
What I am questioning — and working to subtract — is the performance of love: the formal, predictable, textbook gestures that we think will earn us the love of those around us, whether romantic partners or others.
Love delivered in an authentic way strengthens connections, builds trust, and fuels collaboration, which is powerful for all kinds of relationships, with colleagues and strangers as well as partners, family, and friends.
This is an invitation to love more broadly — authentically as you, and authentic to those around you.
To shower praise on a colleague for their contribution, whether trivial or transformational.
To sprinkle drops of love throughout your day, to the help line operator, grocery checkout clerk, and even maybe your grumpy neighbor?
Over to you — the invitation is to experiment with loving in the unique ways that only you can.
