Last week, we talked about romance. Specifically, we experimented with subtracting the idealized, feed-ready version in favor of something much more grounded and alive.
Not the Hallmark version or “grand gesture.” But the original root of romance: spoken in a local language, responsive to the person in front of you.
This week’s conversation is the natural next step.
Because romance — real romance — only works if it leads somewhere.
And according to research, where it leads is this:
Feeling loved is fundamentally about being known.
In my latest Subtraction Session, I sat down with Sonja Lyubomirsky, one of the world’s leading happiness researchers and co-author of How to Feel Loved, to explore a deceptively simple, quietly radical idea:
If you want to feel more loved, don’t change yourself.
Don’t change the other person.
Change the conversation.
Why this conversation is worth your time
If you’ve ever:
Felt successful but oddly unseen
Tried to be more lovable instead of more real
Wondered why connection feels harder than it should
Suspected that small talk isn’t neutral — it’s actually a barrier
This episode will land.
Sonja and I also discover (with some relief) that we share a mutual distaste for small talk — and a genuine affection for what she calls slightly deeper questions.
Which does not mean trauma-dumping. Or oversharing. Just being a little weird, on purpose, with care and pacing.
Because being known doesn’t come from polishing yourself, inside or out. It comes from letting yourself be seen, a little at a time.
A few lines that stayed with me
“We don’t feel loved unless we feel known. And most of us are walking around largely unknown.”
“Trying to impress might win admiration. It rarely builds connection.”
“People want to be asked deeper questions far more than we think.”
“Feeling loved isn’t a personality trait. It happens in moments.”
Timestamp highlights
00:00 – 02:00
Why feeling loved is central to happiness (and survival)04:40 – 06:00
The most empowering reframe: change the conversation07:30 – 10:30
What elite listening actually looks like in real life11:45 – 13:30
What to subtract: impressing, hiding, fake listening16:00 – 18:30
The mindset of multiplicity (and why it matters at work)20:15 – 22:30
Better questions that go deeper, without getting (too) weird24:00 – 26:30
How leaders can build trust and belonging without oversharing26:45 – end
Drops of love, strangers, and a less polarized world
A small experiment for this week
In one relationship where you’d like to feel more loved (at work, at home, or even with a stranger), try sharing one medium-intensity truth.
Not your biggest regret, deepest wound, or greatest hope.
Something real enough to let them know you a little more.
Because that might just trigger reciprocity, inviting you to know them a little more. And therein lies the foundation for love.
Or, if listening is your edge: subtract small talk once this week and ask a slightly deeper question. (If you want inspiration, here’s a helpful Subtraction Scenario — What If We Subtracted: Small Talk.)
A helpful place to start
Sonja mentioned a short quiz that helps you see how you currently approach connection, and which conversational habits might be getting in your way.
👉 Take the mindset quiz here: https://tally.so/r/Pd1l0d
👉 Learn more about the book here: https://howtofeelloved.com/
Last week, we explored authentic romance: caring gestures spoken in the language of the person in front of you. This week, we took the next step:
Romance works when it helps us be known.
Love lasts when it starts there.
I hope that sets you up for a fabulously romantic and loving Valentine’s Day — with yourself, friends, family, colleagues, and neighbors. Stay weird,
Nell
PS Don’t forget to check out the 100-Day Subtraction Practice, where this week’s prompts (and songs!) are all about feeling loved, in 3D.
